I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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