I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
