I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
