He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
