i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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