How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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