I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
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