so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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