I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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