the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
