It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
