I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Randomize
