he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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