walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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