I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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