can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
