Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Bang-toberfest begins!!
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
