I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
