So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I just forgot I was standing up.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
You are a genius and a whore.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
