3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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