I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
