I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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