I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
We are all done wearing pants today
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
