my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
