I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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