Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
