you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
