the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
