my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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