totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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