if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
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