mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
