I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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