I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
