You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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