Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
