I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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