I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize