if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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