Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
