the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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