Pants 0. Shit 1.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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