Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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