i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
