I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
