I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
