Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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