I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Randomize
