dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize