Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I met the friendliest cop last night
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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