You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
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