Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
