Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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