sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
