it wasn't lemon gatorade
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
