were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize